Hopeless
by Dark Kitten Saki
Summary: After the "accident" Sesshoumaru is in darkness and the only bright spot keeping him alive is Kagome. Song Fic. Please read the inside summary for a little more detail.
1. Beautiful Disaster

Beautiful Disaster

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By: Dark Kitten Saki

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Disclaimer: I do not own the song nor the characters.

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Summary: After the "accident" Sesshoumaru is in darkness and the only bright spot keeping him alive is Kagome. The first chapter is in a double drabble format (meaning 200 words exactly) between each grouping of lyrics. The next chapter will be drabbles (exactly 100 words) and the final chapter will be half drabbles (exactly 50 words.)

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**XOXOXOXOXOX**

_He drowns in his dreams  
An exquisite extreme I know  
He's as damned as he seems_

I heard him whimpering down the hall again. On nights like these, he told me a long time ago he didn't want me to see him that way. There are nights I think to ignore his wishes and go to him anyway…. I love him… so much. I don't want him to be in so much pain. I wish he would talk to me. I wish he would tell me what hurts him. Then maybe I wouldn't feel so useless.

I hear him moan more loudly this time. I just want to cry my eyes out. Some nights, I do cry… but I try not to. He can smell the old tears in the morning and feels like it's his fault when really they are a product of helplessness and frustration. I just want to go to his room, curl my body around his and cuddle him. In some ways I wish he weren't so proud. I wish he didn't have to suffer alone. He doesn't deserve to though he argues that with me….

Wishing seems… feels so pointless but I continue to hope, to wish. I want to help him so badly… but I don't know what to do!

_And more heaven than a heart could hold  
And if I try to save him  
My whole world would cave in  
It just ain't right  
Lord, it just ain't right  
_

None of my friends like him… period. They say he's too stoic, too jaded to make me happy. I hear him growl in horror and panic. He sounds so afraid! Fresh tears come to my eyes but I blink them back. He shouldn't have to live like this. Whenever it storms, he dreams. When the wind howls, he dreams. When the rain falls, yep he dreams.

Some nights, I don't hear him. I'll only know the next day when I look into his eyes, the one place he can hide nothing from me. On those days, I hold him close and I suppose in my own way baby him as much as he will allow.

I go see him at work and stay there for most of the day helping like a second secretary. I run errands for him like fetching lunch, doing some of the basic paper work, organizing the papers into three stacks: important, get to soon, and whenever you have a chance. Then he'll drive us home and I will coddle him there, much to his annoyance and my pleasure.

He wants to take care of me. He wants to show me how much he loves me.

_Oh and I don't know  
I don't know what he's after  
But he's so beautiful  
He's such a beautiful disaster  
And if I could hold on  
Through the tears and laughter  
Lord, Would it be beautiful?  
Or just a beautiful disaster_

Some nights… it's just so horrible. He sounds like he's dying.

"Sesshoumaru?" I crept into his room. If he knows nights like these are coming he always sleeps in his room, it's how I now these nights are coming. I moved toward where his head lay. "Anata (a term of endearment like darling or beloved), come to bed. I need to hold you tonight." I moved his bangs from his eyes. He was acting like he was asleep again. "Please?" Just let me love you like you love me.

He opened his eyes when it became apparent I wouldn't give in this night. He gave a long suffering sigh (at least long and suffering for him, for anyone else it was almost just a huff of annoyance.) "Very well," his voice was incredibly quiet but he rose fluidly and I took his hand leading him to my bedroom.

I pulled him down on my bed. His head perched on the left side of my chest, listening to my heart. I laid there wide awake until his breathing evened out. I felt his body relax against his orders. He was truly asleep for the first time in a while. I breathed a sigh of relief. He was always worse this time of year.

_He's magic and myth  
As strong as what I believe  
A tragedy with  
More damage than a soul should see  
But do I try to change him  
So hard not to blame him  
Hold me tight  
Hold me tight_

My family doesn't mind him but they don't trust him either. Mother sees him talk care of me so she likes him well enough. Grandfather… well Sesshoumaru is a demon and Grandfather is a monk with no powers but a monk nonetheless. Needless to say he hates Sesshoumaru and has no qualms about voicing his opinion. My little brother… he doesn't know what to think. Grandfather abhors Sesshoumaru and Mother has no issues with him. He gets confused and sends mixed signals. Sometimes he loves Sesshoumaru and some days Souta really can't stand him.

It's so hard. Even on me, I can't blame my little brother for his confusion. Souta can be so kind one visit then barely talk to us the next. I want Souta to like him. I want my friends to like him. Why can't life be easy?

Some days I wonder how we are going to get through this. I love him. I want him to let me love him like he loves me. But if I talk to him about it he turns off. He won't listen. I'm "too delicate" for that. I'm the only one "untouched" by the "accident," the death of his family.

_Oh and I don't know  
I don't know what he's after  
But he's so beautiful  
He's such a beautiful disaster  
And if I could hold on  
Through the tears and the laughter_

**24, June 2010**

**Why won't he let me help him? Is his pride so strong that my help would weaken him? No, that wasn't fair. I know that's not the truth. I… I just don't know what to do anymore. If I can help him, I will have to send him to someone who can. I hate to have to do it because he'll come up with every reason under the sun to get out of it. But he needs this and I need the strong man I fell in love with. I love him as he is, don't get me wrong, but… he's just not himself like this. I'm starting to feel like this won't work out. No! I can't leave him like this! That was wrong to ****say****/write. I will love him for the rest of my life. I will stay by his side. He needs my help. I can't let my friends and family get to me. …That sounds ominous. Writing that my friends and family don't like him. …I always said if my friends don't like him me's not for me. But they did like him… before the "accident." He was different then.**

**Love,**

**Kagome**

_Would it be beautiful?  
Or just a beautiful disaster  
_

I remember before the "accident." Mother adored him. Souta was warmer more of the time than not. Even Grandfather liked him to a degree. He would help Mother with her bags. He was always on call no matter the time. If my family needed help, he was there. My family was his family. He loved them because they were part of me. They were a window into my past and he loved their stories of when I was a child. He loved joking with me about them later and poking fun. I was always a little annoyed when he came home with a new one from Souta. Those were never as cute and gentle as Mama's stories. One of those stories would entertain him for about a week, then he was after a new one.

But after the "accident," he was in meetings and couldn't go help Mother or Grandfather or Souta.

I think those happy memories hurt him. They remind him he will never have his family back.

For a long time I was angry at my family for not understanding his pain. It was excruciating for me too. It's not that they didn't understand; it's that they couldn't.

_I'm longing for love and the logical  
But he's only happy, hysterical  
I'm searching for some kind of miracle  
Waited so long...  
Waited So long.  
_

I couldn't take care of him anymore. He was gone beyond what I was capable of healing. He needed a doctor. But I couldn't bring it up to him. It's so difficult knowing you can't give the one you love what they need most…. I wanted to be able to be the one who could heal him, like in those romance novels and in the movies. But I quickly found out that all of that really is only in the movies and books. At the time, I was just hoping it wasn't too late for him to find his way back to me. I needed help. …Those words can be so agonizing and stressful. In the past, I had only known them to be liberating and wonderful. But then… I had such a high need to protect him from anyone or anything that could hurt him. I felt like a mama bear and her cub or perhaps a better fit would have been a mama dog with her pup. The analogy made me want to laugh hysterically but I didn't. We could only handle one of us going off the deep end and right then that position was occupied. Help….

_He's soft to the touch  
But frayed at the end he breaks  
He's never enough  
And still he's more than I can take  
Oh and I don't know  
I don't know what he's after  
But he's so beautiful  
Such a beautiful disaster  
And if I could hold on  
Through the tears and the laughter  
Would it be beautiful?  
Or just a beautiful disaster_

When I came home that night, the apartment was dark. I was carrying in the groceries. Setting them on the counter, I started putting everything away. I had assumed work kept him out later than he had expected and he would be home soon. Once I was done with the groceries, I went to into the living room to relax since I had about a half an hour before I had to start making dinner.

But there he was in the living room… staring at our picture. The picture of our one year anniversary. Back when his family was alive, we had taken a picture… back when he was happy. We were smiling, so happy. Thinking nothing could go wrong or nothing could ruin the moment, so naïve and hopeful, trusting. But life can be so cruel. It took all he had to give and gave too little back. This was the reason I truly had to make it work. I was all this wonderful man had left. If I was gone, he would go insane. He would be broken beyond repair. I couldn't bear the thought.

He tried so hard to get back on his feet on his own.

_He's beautiful  
Such a beautiful disaster_

"Why do you love me? Why do you put up with me? Why do you put up with all of this crap?" He was asking the "me" in the picture. I don't think he even knew I was there. His finger traced my face longingly as if the picture would answer his tortured question.

I came up behind him and wrapped my arms around his shoulders. He stiffened in surprise. How odd he didn't sense me. Tears silently fell as I spoke. "'If you press me to say why I [love you], I can say no more than because [you are you], and I [am] I.' (1) I 'put up with you' as you put it" I whispered in his ear, "because I love you and I want to be with you always. I put up with your emotional baggage because you mean that much to me. I just wish you would let me help you. I wish you would let me love you like you love me…." His breath hitched. I kissed his cheek. "I'm begging you to let me help you carry your burden just as you help me. I'm not glass. I won't run. I love you."

**XOXOXOXOXOX**

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(1) This is a quote by Michel de Montaigne. Whenever I think of the question "Why do you love me?" or something to that extent I always think of this quote. For those of you who are not familiar with brackets ([…]) in a quote, they are for a tense change. The original quote is as follows: "If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I." The version I changed it to is: "If you press me to say why I [love you], I can say no more than because [you are you], and I [am] I."

I hope you enjoyed the first chapter! Please let me know if you see any errors in my grammar.

Have a wonderful week.

Saki


	2. Dakishimetai I want a Hug

**Dakishimetai (I Want a Hug)

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**

By: Dark Kitten Saki

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Disclaimer: I do not own either the song Dakishimetai, the translation or the characters.

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Artist: Jungle Smile

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Summary: Sesshoumaru is getting help. (This is in drabble form. Exactly 100 words between lyric groupings.)

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**XOXOXOXOXOX**

_I hate the way you're always laughing,_

_You're cute, strong, and popular,_

_I hate the way that I'm slow and stupid,_

_No one needs me at all,_

_You're very smart and never have any weak points,_

_You always make a fool of me,_

_But really I just want to talk to you,_

_I want to be your friend,_

_Although I've been jealous of you,_

_You were trembling, crying alone,_

"Can you tell me about the 'accident,' Mr. Taisho?"

"My family, Mother, Father and my younger half brother died in a car crash. I watched them die."

I held his hand as we sat on the couch at the psychiatrist's office. His voice was so deadpan I wanted to cry.

"Do you have a step-mother then?" She asked not looking up.

"No," he replied. "She died in child birth. My mother was too gentle and couldn't turn the pup away." I could hear his scorn… pain.

"What was he like?"

"A pain in this Sesshoumau's side."

This wasn't going well….

_[Chorus]_

_Hey, are you afraid of being alone?_

_And maybe you're weak and people pick on you,_

_If I had more courage, _

_I would have given you a hug,_

We had just left the doctor's office. The ride home was uncomfortable and tense.

At dinner he finally started talking to me again. "Why are you insisting on this, Kagome? I don't want to remember! I just want us to be together! Why are you doing this to me?" He flew out of his chair aggravated. "None of this is necessary!" He picked up the closest wooden chair and threw it at the wall destroying it. The four chair set was now a three chair set.

"That's why, my love." I told him not fazed by his harsh tantrums anymore.

_I have a lot I want to talk about,_

_I said bit by bit to you last time,_

_Why did you pretend you couldn't hear me?_

_I was really happy…_

_You laugh as usual just for show,_

_But you're someone who'd break down and cry,_

He plopped down in another chair looking at the broken chair for a long time. It was the only items left of our time before the "accident." I came into the kitchen to drag him to bed.

"I could have really hurt you," he said looking at the splintered wood.

I sighed, "Yes, do understand now? Anata, this has been going on too long." I knelt in front of him. "We can't do this alone anymore. You get more and more violent with these tantrums. Please, let them help us."

He closed his eyes so tightly it must have hurt.

_[Chorus]_

_Hey I'm also afraid of being alone,_

_I'm insignificant and pathetic,_

_If I had more courage, _

_I would have given you a hug,_

"Comparatively, Butterfly, I could…" He didn't finish the thought as we lay in my bed.

"Yes," I replied. "You could kill me." He hadn't called me "Butterfly" since before the "accident." The little action thrilled me. He could hear how much even if his ear wasn't over my heart. "But that tells you how much I love and trust you." He didn't say anything but continued to listen to my heart. "Dog's aren't meant to be alone, love, so I will be your pack."

"Yes," his voice was gravelly. "I will allow that… doctor to… **help** this Sesshoumaru."

"Thank you."

_Imagine that you're not alone,_

_Close your ears and feel it,_

_Hey who's going to cry today?_

_Like the wind, I will wrap myself around you,_

I curled around his sleeping frame. He held me tighter. I felt a little like a Teddy Bear or a talisman that would keep away bad dreams. But he hadn't been visited by them for a while. I wasn't sure if it was me or the doctor.

He was depressed… or that was the official story the doctor gave us. What else could we call it? Prolonged grief sounded odd so we went with it. He refused to take pills and I forced the issue being the mama bear I was with him. They didn't make him. I like winning.

_[Chorus]_

_Hey, are you afraid of being alone?_

_And maybe you're weak and people pick on you,_

_If I had more courage, _

_I would have given you a hug,_

He started making a lot of progress after that conversation. I started to see the man I fell in love with. Mother was seeing the difference too! He was starting to make time for them again. After giving all of them separately a formal apology and a written one (not an easy feat mind you he's not much of a writer), he was starting over with their relationships with a clean slate. My friends were still skeptical but willing to give him another shot because I had stayed loyal to him so long. Plus, a lot of begging from me….

_Hey I'm also afraid of being alone,_

_I'm insignificant and pathetic,_

_If I had more courage, _

_I would have given you a hug,_

…I found myself missing him depending on me…. I wanted to hit myself every time I thought like that! But it was true. I felt like he was pulling away from me. Which he was, but in a healthy way so it shouldn't have bothered me but it did.

After about a month he confronted me about it. He was gentle and calm while asking me what the hell was wrong with me. I felt horrible but when I spit it out his face softened and he came over to me. I found myself in his loving arms that night.

_Hey, everyone feels the same loneliness,_

_And scared the same way,_

_But there's nothing to be afraid of,_

_Because I'm going to hug you!_

It had been almost a month since my confession of those horrid feelings.

"I love you."

I spun around in the kitchen to look at him wide eyed. "What?" I barely dared to breath.

"I love you."

I could have cried. He hadn't told me he loved me since they died. He told me he couldn't afford to love anyone again. I wasn't worth the pain of losing them.

"I love you, Butterfly."

I burst into tears and ran across our small kitchen into his arms.

"My little waterspout!" He laughed quietly. He laughed!

"Anata! You laughed! You just laughed!"

**XOXOXOXOXOX**

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The next chapter will be the last one. If anyone spots a mistake in my spelling or grammar as always please tell me and I will fix it. =)

Have a great week!

Saki


	3. You Stay with Me

You Stay With Me

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By: Dark Kitten Saki

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Disclaimers: I do not own the characters or the song. The song is done by Faith Hill.

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Summary: Sesshoumaru is starting to look back on the last few years were Kagome started taking care of him and almost lost everything. He isn't really sure he was worth all of what she did while he emotionally checked out. (This is in half drabble form. There are exactly 50 words between each lyric grouping.)

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**XOXOXOXOXOX**

_TV flashes down the hall  
Painting pictures on the wall  
And you're still sleeping on my knees  
And in the glow of silver light  
I trace the lines above your eyes  
Just another wrinkle that you can blame on me_

I watched her sleeping on my lap. She had more lines in her face than I remember. They are deeper. I don't mind them. But in some ways they hurt. I gave them to her. The only one I really wanted to protect. The only precious one I have left.

_But I can hear the current of the freeway in the distance  
If I keep listening  
And I wonder if you ever thought of streaming off  
Somewhere with it  
Am I not what you thought  
Will you get tired of what you got_

I wouldn't have blamed her if she took off and left me. I'd have deserved it for all of the crap I put her through. She deserved so much more. My doctor took the money she had been saving for school. She still smiled at me every morning. Always happy….

_[Chorus:]  
If I can't give you anymore  
Than weathered ships and distant shores  
Would you still be my compass yeah  
'cause you keep loving me the same  
I don't know how but you still stay with me, baby  
You stay with me, baby_

Deep inside I knew she wouldn't leave me. I needed her as much as she needed me. But I still remembered the look she gave me when I called her "Butterfly" and when I told her "I love you" after I got better. Guilt didn't begin to describe that feeling.

_Another day, another week  
We'll slip back in old routines  
'til nights like these come in between  
Simple moments in the dark  
Ones that life can't tear apart  
They come along just when we need_

I thought she was catching on to my guilt. I was right. We danced around that topic trying desperately not to upset the other. I didn't want her to cry again… ever. She… she didn't want to lose me again. How that hurt! Nothing describes knowing I left her alone.

_And I still hear the current of the freeway in the distance  
But I stop listening  
'cause I know you'll stay even though the waves are always shifting_

It took a long time for me to realize our time wasn't going to end because she was going to leave. She still held me at night as embarrassing as it was to admit. But I had never felt as much peace as I did listening to her heart beating.

_We're fighting our way through  
I guess I always knew_

"I won't leave you alone again, Butterfly," I told her quietly over dinner one night. I could see she was startled. I could see tears welling and felt horrible all over again.

"It… it would be a killing frost if you left me again."

"I know, Butterfly," I held her.

_[Chorus:]  
If I can't give you anymore  
Than weathered ships and distant shores  
Would you still be my compass yeah  
'cause you keep loving me the same  
I don't know how but you still stay with me, baby  
You stay with me, baby_

"Kagome?" I asked quietly as we lied on her bed. I never really used my room anymore. We never did anything but being here with her was enough… for now.

"I'm sorry." I cuddled her closer to me.

"I know, Anata." She stroked my hair. "…I missed you."

"I know."

_'cause you keep loving me the same  
I don't know how but you still stay with me, baby  
You stay with me, baby_

I had a long way to go to make that time up to her family and friends. I didn't deserve it and never could. Just like I didn't deserve her and her forgiveness. I wanted to make it right. I went to her shrine, only on my own this time.

_TV flashes down the hall  
Painting pictures on the wall_

"Butterfly?" I called when I got home again. She didn't answer; she was asleep on the couch. Once I woke her, she was flustered. "You'll never get to sleep if you nap now."

"Oops," she said on a yawn.

"Butterfly?" She looked at me. "Will you marry me?"

"Of course!"

**XOXOXOXOXOX**

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Well that's the end. I hope you enjoyed this little group of song fics. Please let me know if you see any mistakes!

Thank you for reading. Have a joyous week.

Saki


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